I've just jumped off a mile high building known as the Tower of Euphoric Emotion. Did I see this coming? Yes. I've pretty much planned it for two and a half years. Why so long? I've been waiting for the clouds to position themselves just right so they can catch me when I jump. Now the thing about clouds is that they can choose to catch you or let you fall right through. So there is substantial risk involved. I've recently made a decision to commit to things and go all in despite the risks. So this weekend I did while choosing my battles. In one event, I chose to commit but subtly presented safeguards so that I would not have to do so. A wise decision. The next event, which is still pending due to the uncontrollable forces of third party involvement, is the one that has been building up for almost two and a half years. In a sense, the Tower of Euphoric Emotion has been under construction this whole time. Construction just completed this weekend, giving me the amount of gusto I needed to finally take the jump. At this moment, I'm falling fast, approaching the ground at an alarming rate. I'm afraid the clouds don't know I've jumped. They're not even ready to catch me, but I still think, would they even catch me if they knew. I've made the jump for the first time, and it may be my last. I don't even know what's at the bottom. Could be jagged rocks or pillows. But I think about all the good things in my life, and I realize that I'm going to be ok regardless of what happens. I'm still waiting for the clouds to catch me, and for the event to play out and for her to find the truth and respond. The response could mean generous clouds, jagged rocks, or pillows. I'm hoping for clouds, but I'll probably hit pillows. But pillows are ok, except for the fact that I'm back at the ground, starting all over again. Nonetheless, I'm happy about my risk and happy that I'm honest. All I have to do now is wait, and that is, as Tom Petty says, the hardest part.

Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: The Waiting by Tom Petty

ok.

I was just listening to this song called Ooh Ahh by GRITS and it is pretty dang awesome! It really connects to me because my life is really like "Ooh Ahh" right now...things at the surface don't seem to really look that great, but really I'm content with my current situation. I've noticed that there's a whole lot of good in my life right now. So instead of worrying about the bad, I'm gonna focus on the things that make me fortunate. God's definitely been workin his wonders in my life. I've been blessed. Even though it's really early in the morning, I feel great...well, I've actually been nocturnal these last 3 days...so if you tried to get ahold of me during the daytime the past few days, well...I was sleeping. I've been like a vampire on speed...seriously...I must be on some kind of a drug cuz I CAN'T go to sleep at night and I CAN'T stay awake during the day...AND I just cleaned my room spotless and built a shelf with my bare hands...I didn't have a screw driver...so i drove the screws in with my fingers...I was so determined to finish the freakin' shelf that my fingers started bleeding, but I didn't stop...I know that sounds psychotic and crazy and insane but I really needed to do it....I needed to prove to myself that my determination was stronger than pain and circumstance...I know I'm supposed to be as much like Jesus as possible, and I know that he never let pain and suffering and circumstance stand in His way. Well, it's not exactly the same situation cuz Jesus probably wouldn't have been retarded and drove screws in with his bare hands until they bled, but it was definitely necessary for me. My shelf is finished and it is surprisingly strong...it holds up all my books which is a about 50 lbs...the only problem is there are blood stains on it...so it needs a paint job....OK i have no idea how i got on the subject of the shelf....anyways...Life Is GREAT!!! I'm broke, I'm stuck in my dorm for Spring Break, I am sooo far behind on my school work, I'm failing two classes, I'm terribly out of shape cuz I've been eating ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, my car needs a lot of work, I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to make the payment, I can't find a job that will fit around my class schedule, and my guitar is broken too. But LIFE IS GREAT!!!! Do you seriously think kids in Africa that are starving have my kind of problems? NO!!! My problems are like jokes at the bottom of an empty Cracker Jack box to people who fight to survive every day!!!!!! So every time I'm complaining about my little insignificant problems, someone please slap me, bite me, kick me, pinch me, hit me, or inflict pain on me in some way to knock some sense into me. Think about African kids with AIDS who didn't even have sex or share needles....they were just born with death! They're the ones with the REAL problems...Pray for them! They definitely could use the support.

Done(comma)
Josh(period)

Current Location: Deep Space
Current Mood: thankful
Current Music: Ooh Ahh by GRITS

OK. This is my first journal entry, and I'm going to spend it revealing a few things to myself and the world. In a nutshell, I'm a jerk! Seriously! I know there are a few people out there saying, "What! No way. He's just being EMO!" For real though. I say mean things to people who don't deserve it. I make my friends, or a certain friend, jealous on purpose. I am extremely rude and hateful to just about everyone. I say things behind people's backs and am too much of a coward to say it to their faces. I'm a jerk!!! I make fun of nice people who have shortcomings in their lives. I laugh at the expense of others. I AM one of those hypocritical Christians. I reject those who try to help me and seek the approval of those who really could care less about me. I am irresponsible with friendship. As soon as someone gets closer as a friend, I turn away because I don't want to commit my time to one more person. I don't even give time to the friends I have. I lie ALL the time to cover up my actions. I'm a jerk!!! I get myself into situations and take advantage of the help people offer me. I have teased and enticed girls for my own manipulative amusement. I have done terrible things...things that I am certainly not proud of, things I cannot and have not told anyone about, and things for which I feel God should literally strike me. If I go to Hell, it will be well-deserved. A lot of people have the assumption that I'm a nice guy because I put on this nice-guy mask and strut around with it. HAHAHA!!!! what a joke!!! I'm a jerk!!! Even when I'm being nice sometimes, it's easy to see how I can be a jerk...it's just covered up in a joking way or with false sarcasm. People from my Christian organization, Hope Student Life here at UT, think that I'm something special. They think that God speaks to me when I'm in worship. God may be speaking to me, but all he's really saying to me is, "You're messin up. You gotta be better. You're not even trying NOT to sin. Wake up and smell the roses, bucko!!" My thoughts are unclean. I've lied to my best friend on several occasions. There a tons of secrets that I have kept from her, yet I always say that I can tell her anything. That's a big fat LIE!! I doubt we would even be friends if she knew the real me. I'm fake!! This is not be being negative either. This is me being real for once! I'm a train wreck of irresponsibility. My grades are terrible because I don't go to class. I don't work. I'm lazy. My finances are shot, and I've had to rely on my brothers for help. They have had to help me becuase I was irresponsible. I make bad decisions. Even when I say I've learned from my mistakes, I'm basically lying to myself. I make the same mistakes over and over, but just in a different way. My whole life is off track and I just expect God to look out for me. I know he's there for me always, but he's given me free will to make decisions. He's laid down the path for me, and I've been too foolish to take it. I always take a detour for my own selfish benefit. I run over people to get where I want to be. I was late for a business opportunity function the other day...and I had just caught a red light and was pissed off. A homeless guy was sitting on the side of the street with a look of worry and woe. It seemed as though this guy couldn't catch a break. I just sat there and looked at him through my window with no remorse whatsoever...I mean, I was busy...I had to go...I had food in my car, my nice car at that, and I stopped myself from giving it to him. This is NOT me. I used to have a heart for people. I based the rest of my life on helping others. Any career I wanted to go after involved helping people. The old me would have gotten out of the car, went up to the homeless guy, shook his hand, given him the food, given him a hug, and then drive off. What the #$%@ happened!!! I've turned into the kind of person I used to despise! However, in all this, I can say there is one aspect of my life that I am proud of and that keeps me going. My best friend, Britny, has 3 younger siblings. They mean the world to me, and I would do anything for them. When I'm around them, I turn into the person I used to be--the type of person that cares about other people and who is capable of being genuinely selfless. They're the type of kids that make me look forward to being a dad. They motivate me to do good things and to be a good person. I really don't know what I would do without them. Even though they're a lot younger than me, they give me advice, and I follow it. I listen to their advice because they're pure and their morals have not been altered by the evils of experience in a world of immorality. They keep me going. Well, to make a long story, well not any more long than it already is, I'm contuining to be irresponsible and get myself into situations that will result in even more people being hurt. So to all those that know me, I'm deeply sorry for what I've done, what I'm doing, and what I inevitably will do. I love all of you, and I intend to start showing it. Thanks to all of you who have been there for me. You're my lifelines, and I love you. The End.

The Glaze

Current Location: Dorm Room
Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls